No. I don’t expect to re-appear after more than a year of silence and just pick up where I left off; crawl out of the woodwork without so much as a ‘beg your pardon’ or ‘by your leave.’
No. I don’t expect to magically show up and ‘skin my teeth’ (grin from ear to ear) but offer not a single word of explanation for my absence; nothing in response to your ‘I wonder what happened to that sunshine woman?’
I didn’t plan on going AWOL so please pardon the interruption.
Let me try to explain. I think you deserve more than some perspicuous alibi, some neatly pre-packaged excuse like writers’ block or brain-fog.
The thing is I’m not sure I even know what really happened!! I have my theories but still trying to figure it out.
So, what happened? I found myself struggling with life.
Struggling to get out of bed in the mornings because I’d spent all night counting sheep trying to sleep, (me trying to sleep not the sheep), then struggling to stay awake all day because I can’t stand missing out on the sunshine but being too tired to do anything but vegetate on the sofa having lost interest in even trying to convince myself to do anything.
Struggles are required in order to survive life, because in order to stand up, you gotta know what falling down is like. Unknown
I found myself struggling not to lose weight (all the precious pounds I’d gained over the last two years) because I was constantly feeling ‘as sick as a dog‘ and couldn’t force myself to eat more than a bite (literally), despite all the children starving in Africa (sorry Ma).
I’m rambling aren’t I?
Let me try again. So, what happened?
I had been calmly wading through life (you know my general status – fair to fine with occasional scattered showers) then . . . stagnation. A thick, gooey stagnation sneaked up on me like fog in a gully, tussled me off my feet and
Sometimes just surviving from one day to the next is all you can do. That’s okay because only the strong survive. Unknown
I just laid there. . . passively. And must have been doing a real good job of it too, ‘cause I was getting a whole lot of nothing done.
Needless to say, doing all that nothing came with a hearty dose of guilt which in turn conjured up even more nothingness! Hence the inevitable interruption for which I am now beseeching your pardon.
“Do it for her,” my husband calmly said one evening after dinner. I’d been whining, again, (yep, an emotional malfunction) about turning down yet another lunch date with a friend (and social withdrawal too!).
“Don’t do it for you, do it for her.” That was as much he cared to elucidate. But the sparse words spoken so gently in his casually, unassuming manner was all it took to break the spell and jolt me into the reality of my need for an attitude adjustment.
Only a life lived for others is worthwhile. Albert Einstein
Somehow in the struggle to maintain myself, I’d lost sight of my life’s mission – not merely to survive, but to thrive, just as Maya Angelou said, and that meant being there for the people I care about with the people I care about.
So please pardon the interruption.